这是一个关于如何管理联系人的演讲。如果你虚心倾听，试着做一点改变，你一定会有所收获！
在日常生活中，我们习惯了呆在自己的舒适区里，每天对亲戚朋友感到厌倦。一个好的人圈，需要跳出舒适区，积极与人交往。人圈是精心经营的结果：首先要选有价值的人，同时一定要有价值，双方优势互补。一方有资源或平台，另一方有能力创造价值。第二，积极寻找场景建立联系，找到彼此的共同点和他们的关注点，为彼此提供价值。第三，建立互动，把帮助变成交易，把交易变成伙伴。
识别人脉广的人，他们可能会帮你增长知识，帮你规划人生，赋能你的氛围，打破固定思维，提升认知，带你进入优质圈一起赚钱。这些正能量、聪明的人可能用一句话或一件事改变你的人生轨迹。良好的人际关系从让对方受益开始，也是一个为对方提供价值的过程。
视频链接：
https://www.ixigua.com/7024692918615179809
17年前，有时几年后我会碰到我的学生。当我跑的时候
对他们来说，有趣的事情发生了。我不记得他们的脸了。我也是
确切地记得他们坐在教室的什么地方。我还记得
和他们坐在一起的人。这并不是因为我有什么特别之处
记忆的超能力，我能记住它们的原因是因为它们是
习惯的生物。他们和最喜欢的人坐在一起
最喜欢的座位。他们找到了他们的双胞胎，一整年都和他们在一起。
十七年前，有时候会遇到几年后以前教过的学生。当我遇到他们时，有一个非常有趣的现象。我不仅记得他们的脸，还记得他们在教室里坐的确切位置。我还记得他们和谁坐在一起。不是因为我有什么特殊能力。我能记住他们，是因为他们是遵循自己习惯的人。总是和自己喜欢的人坐在自己喜欢的座位上。他们会找到他们形影不离的伴侣，和他在一起一整年。
对我的学生来说，这样做的危险在于他们有离开学校的风险
只有几个和他们一模一样的人的大学。他们会的
浪费了他们建立国际化、多样化网络的机会。这怎么可能
他们怎么样了？我的学生思想开放。他们来到商学院
正是为了让他们能够获得巨大的网络。
当学生离开大学进入社会时，他们这样做是有风险的。他们可能只认识几个人，和他们很像。他们将浪费接触国际和多元化网络的机会。这是怎么发生的？我的学生思想开放，来商学院只是为了扩大社交圈。
现在我们所有人在生活、学校、工作中的社交面都很窄。所以我
我想让你考虑一下这个。在座有多少人带了朋友来
为了这次谈话？我想让你看一下你的朋友，他们
他们和你是同一国籍吗？他们和你是同一性别吗？是
他们属于同一个rac
e and really look at them closely? Don't they kind of looklike you as well? The muscle people are together and the people of the same
hairstyles and the checked shirts. We all do this in life. We all do it in
life. And in fact, there's nothing wrong with this. It makes us comfortable to
be around people who are similar.
我们所有人的社交圈子都很有限，在生活中，学校里，在工作中如此。所以我希望大家考虑一下这个问题。你们当中有多少人带着朋友一起来听讲座？我希望你看看身边的朋友，他们与你是否国籍相同？是否性别相同？与你的种族是否相同？仔细好好观察他们，他们看起来是不是也有点像你？身体强壮的在一起，发型相似的人在一起，穿着差不多衬衫的人在一起。我们在生活中都是这样。事实上，这样做并没有什么错。和相似的人在一起让我们感到很舒服。
The problem is when we're on a precipice, right? When we're in trouble, when
we need new ideas, when we need new a jobs, when we need new resources-- This
is when we really pay a price for living in a clique. Mark Granovetter, the
sociologist, he had a famous paper “The strength of weak Ties.” And what he
did in this papers is he asked people how they got their job jobs. And what he
learned was that most people don't get their jobs through their strong
ties―there father, their mother, their significant other. They instead get
jobs through weak ties, people who they just met.
问题是当我们遇到困难时怎么办？当我们陷入困境时，需要新的想法，当我们想要新工作时，或是需要新的资源。这就是我们为小圈子生活付出代价的时候。社会学家马克格拉诺维特有一篇著名的论文叫做弱关系的力量。他在这篇论文中询问人们是如何找到工作的，他从中了解到大多数人得到工作并不是通过关系紧密的人，例如父亲，母亲或伴侣。相反，他们通过弱关系，即他们刚认识的人来获得工作。
So if you think about what the problem is with your strong ties, think about
your significant other, for example, the network is redundant, everybody that
they know, you know, or I hope you know them, right? Your weak ties--people
you just bet today-- they are your ticket to a whole new social world. The
thing is that we have this amazing ticket to travel our social worlds, but we
don't use it very well. Sometimes we stay awfully close to home. And today
what I want to talk about is: what are those habits that keep human being so
close to home? And how can we be a little bit more intentional about traveling
our social universe?
因此思考一下你和身边最重要的人，比如你的伴侣之间出了什么问题，这种人际网络是多余的，他们认识的每个人你也都认识，我希望你也认识他们，对吧？与你关系不紧密的人今天刚见过的人，他们才是你打开社交大门的通行证。事实上我们都有这张通行证，但我们并没有很好地利用它。有时我们与家庭成员异常接近。今天我想说的是，那些让人类如此恋家的习惯是什么？我们如何能更积极地对待社交圈子这件事？
So let's look at the first strategy. The first strategy is to use a more
imperfect social search engine. And what I mean by a social search engine.
This is how you are finding and filtering your friends. Okay? And so people
always tell me,” I want to get lucky through the network. I want to get new
job. I want to get a great opportunity.” And I say,” well, that's really hard
because your networks are so fundamentally predictable, “map out your habitual
daily foot path.
让我们来看看第一个策略。第一个策略是使用不完美的社交搜索引擎。我所说的社交搜索引擎，指的是你如何找到和筛选你的朋友。所以人们总是告诉我，我想通过社交获得好运，我想找一份新工作，我想得到一个很棒的机会。我说，好吧，这真的很难，因为你的社交圈子根本上是可预测的，详细列出你一天的轨迹。
And what you'll probably discover is that you can start at home, you go to
your school or your workplace, you maybe go up the same staircase or elevator.
You go to the bathroom, the same bathroom, and the same stall in that
bathroom. You end up in the gym, then you come right back home. It's like
stops on a train schedule. It's that predictable. It's efficient.
你可能会发现每天从家里出发，去你的学校或工作场所，你可能会走同样的楼梯或电梯。你去同样的洗手间，同样的隔间，最后你会去健身房，然后你回到家。这就像火车停靠站点一样，完全可以预测，它很有效率。
But the problem is that you're seeing exactly the same people, Make your
network slightly more inefficient, go to a bathroom on a different floor. You
encounter a whole new network of people. The other side of it is how we are
actually filtering. And we do this automatically. The minute we meet someone,
we are looking at them, we meet them. We are initially seeing. You're
interesting, you're not interesting, you're relevant. We do this
automatically. We can't even help it. And what I want to encourage you to do
instead is to fight your filters. I want you to take a look around this room,
and I want you to identify the least interesting person that you see.
但问题是，你见到的是完全相同的人，这让你的人际网络不太高效，去不同楼层的洗手间。你会遇到从来没有遇见的人。另一方面是我们实际上也在筛选。我们会自动筛选。当我们遇到某人的时候，会先打量一番，通过第一眼观察。便会判断这人很有趣，这人很无聊，这人用得着。我们会自动开始筛选，根本无法控制。我想鼓励你们对抗这种筛选机制。我希望你环视这个房间，找出你看到的最无趣的人。
And I want you to connect with them over the next coffee break. And I want you
to go even further than that. What I want you to do is to find the most
irritating person you see as well and connect with them. What you are doing
with this exercise is you are forcing yourself, you're forcing yourself to see
what you don't want to see, to connect with who you don't want to connect
with, to widen your social world, to truly widen. What we have to do is we've
got to fight our sense of choice. We've got to fight our choices and my
students hate this, but you know what I do, I won't let them sit in their
favorite seats. I moved them around from seat to seat. I force them to work
with different people so that there are more accidental bumps in the network
where people get a chance to connect with each other.
我想让你在下一次喝咖啡休息的时候和他们认识一下，我希望你能更进一步，找到那个让你看上去觉得最令人讨厌的人，跟他认识一下系。这项练习是强迫你自己，强迫自己去观察你不想看到的东西，去认识那些你不想认识的人，这样就拓宽你的社交圈子。如果想要真正扩大你的圈子，我们必须对抗我们的感觉，对抗让你做出选择的感觉，我的学生都很讨厌这样做，但你知道我会怎么做的吗，我不让让他们坐在自己最喜欢的座位上，我让他们换其他位置坐，我迫使他们和不同的人坐在一起，这样在社交圈中出现了更多的意外碰撞，通过这些碰撞人们有机会认识彼此。
And we studied exactly this kind of an intervention at Harvard University, and
at Harvard. When you look at the rooming groups, there's freshman rooming
groups. People are not choosing those roommates. They are of all different
races, all different ethnicity. Maybe people are initially uncomfortable with
those roommates. But the amazing thing is, at the end of a year with those
students, they're able to overcome that initial discomfort. They're able to
find deep-level commonality with people. So the takeaway here is not just
“take someone out to coffee.” It's a little more subtle. It's “go to the
coffee room。“ when researchers talk about social hubs. What makes a social hub
so special is you can't choose, you can't predict who you're going to meet in
that place.
我们在哈佛大学对这种干预方法进行了研究。在哈佛你观察室友群体时，大一新生并不选择自己的室友，他们来自不同的种族，不同的民族。许多人最初对这些室友感到不舒服，但令人惊讶的是，在与这些学生相处一年后，他们能够克服最初的不适，他们能够找到与其他人深层次的共同点。这里的关键不只是带某人出去喝咖啡。更微妙一点，他们会去咖啡厅。研究者谈论社交中心时认为，社交中心的特殊之处，在于你无法选择，你无法预测你在那个地方会遇到谁。
And so with these social hubs, the paradox is, interestingly enough to get
randomness. It requires actually some planning. In one university that I
worked at. There was a mail room on every single floor. What that meant is
that the only people who would bump into each other are those who are actually
on that floor and who are bumping into each other anyway.
在这里一个有趣的悖论是，要想达到随机性，实际上需要一些规则。在我曾经工作过的一所大学里，这实际上需要一些规划。每层楼都有一间收发室，这意味着在那里遇到的人都工作在同一层楼，他们通过其他方式也总能遇到。
At another university I worked at, there was only one mail room. And so all
the faculty from all over that building would run into each other in that
social hub. A simple change in planning a huge difference in the traffic of
people and the accidental bumps of the network.
在另一所我曾经工作的大学只有一间收发室，因此全楼的教职员工都会在这个小中心遇到彼此，只是在规划上做一个小的改变，就会带来人员流动的巨大差异，也会带来社交圈中意外的碰撞。
And here's my question for you: what are you doing that breaks you from your
social habits? Where do you find yourself in places where you get injections
of unpredictable diversity? Right? And my students give me some wonderful
examples. They tell me when they're doing pickup basketball games. Or my
favorite example is when they go to a dog park, they tell me it's even better
than online dating when they're there. So the real thing that I want to think
about is we've got to fight our filters. We've got to make ourselves a little
more inefficient. And by doing so ,we’re creating a more imprecise social
search engine. And you’re creating that randomness, that luck that is going to
cause you to widen your travels, through your social universe. but in fact,
there's more to it than that. Sometimes we actually, by ourselves, a second-
class ticket to travel our social universe. We are not courageous when we
reach out to people.
问大家一个问题：为了改掉社交习惯，你做了哪些事情？你会去哪些地方，与各种各样的人不期而遇，对吗？我的学生给了我一些很好的例子，他们会去篮球场与陌生人打篮球。我最喜欢的一个想法是一些学生会去狗狗公园时，他们告诉我，当他们在那里时，这甚至比网上约会更好。所以我需要你们思考的是，我们需要对抗自己的筛选机制，我们必须让自己变得更没有效率。这就产生了一个更不精确的社交搜索引擎。你就创造力随机性，还有那些好运气，在结识更多人的过程中帮助你扩宽社交圈。但事实还不仅如此，有时候我们在结识他人的过程中，给自己一些不利的条件，我们还不够勇敢去互动认识他人。
Let me give you an example of that. 让我给你举个例子：
A few years ago, I had a very eventful year. That year I managed to lose a
job, I managed to get a dream job overseas and accepted it. I had a baby the
next month, I got very sick, I was unable to take the dream job. And so in a
few weeks, what ended up happening was, I lost my identity as a faculty
member, and I got a very stressful view identity as a mother. And what I also
got was tons of advice from people. And the advice I despised more than any
other advice was: you've got to go network with everybody. when your
psychological world is breaking down. The hardest thing to do is to try and
reach out and build up your social work.
几年前的一个多事之秋。那一年，我辞掉了工作，我接受了一个梦寐以求的海外工作，下个月我怀孕了，非常虚弱。我无法从事那项工作。结果就是在几周之后，我的教师的身份失去了，新的身份是一个充满压力的母亲，我也从其他人那里得到了大量的建议，在这些建议中我最鄙视的建议是，你的和每个人打打交道。当你内心世界濒临崩塌，最困难的事情就是尝试，主动建立自己的社交圈。
And so we studied exactly this idea on a much larger scale. What we did was we
looked at high and low socioeconomic status people. And we looked at them in
two situations. We looked at them first in a baseline condition, when they
were comfortable. And what we found was that our lower socioeconomic status
people, when they were comfortable, they were actually reaching out to more
people. They thought of more people. They were also less constrained in how
they were networking. They were thinking of more diverse people than the
higher status people.
所以我们在更大的范围内研究了这个观点。我们研究了社会经济地位高和低的人两组人，将其置于两种情况。我们首先以基准情况进行观察，他们表现十分自如。之后我们发现，社会经济地位较低的人，他们实际上会在接触更多的人的时候感到更加自如，他们希望认识更多的人。相比于社会经济地位更高的人群，地位低的人在结交朋友时也更放得开，他们想要接触更多样化的人群。
Then we ask them to think about maybe losing a job, we threaten them. And once
they thought about that, the networks they generated completely differed. The
lower socioeconomic status people reached inwards. They thought of fewer
people. They thought of less-diverse people, the higher socioeconomic status
people thought of more people, they thought of a broader network. They were
positioning themselves to bounce back from that setback. Let's consider what
this actually means. Imagine that you were being spontaneously unfriended by
everyone in your network, other than your mom, your dad and your dog.
然后我们让他们考虑失去工作，以此作为一种威慑。一旦他们开始思考这一点，他们建立的社交网络完全不同，社会经济地位较低的人不再接触外界，他们会考虑更少的人，多元化的程度也降低。社会经济地位较高的人，他们会考虑更多的人和更宽的社交圈，他们会认定自己能从挫折中恢复过来。让我们思考一下这实际上意味着什么。想象一下，你的社交圈里所有人都与你解除友好关系，除了你的妈妈、爸爸和你的狗之外。
This is essentially what we are doing at these moments when we need our
networks the most. Imagine--this is what we're doing. We’re doing it to
ourselves. We are mentally compressing our networks when we are being
harassed, when we are being bullied, when we are threatened about losing a
job, when we feel down and weak, we are closing ourselves off, isolating
ourselves, creating a blind spot where we actually don't see our resources. We
don't see our allies, we don't see our opportunities. How can we overcome
this? Two simple strategies? One strategy is simply to look at your list of
Facebook friends and Linkedin friends. Just so you remind yourself of people
who are there beyond those that automatically come to mind.
这基本上就是我们正在做的事情。当我们最需要朋友的时刻，想象一下这就是我们正在对自己做的事。我们在精神上压制自己的关系网，当我们受到侵犯时，当我们被欺负时，当我们受到威胁失去工作时，当我们感到沮丧和虚弱时，我们在封闭了自己，孤立自己，产生了一个盲点，令我们看不到自己拥有的资源。我们看不到自己的盟友，看不到自己的机会。我们应该克服这一点。两个简单的策略，一种策略是简单地查看你的Facebook和Linkedin好友列表，提醒自己那些人在联系人列表里而你自己却没想起来。
And in o1ur own research, one of the things we did was, we considered Claude
Steals research on self-affirmation, simply thinking about your own values,
networking from a place of strength, What Leigh Thompson, Hoon-Seok and I were
able to do is, we found that people who had affirmed themselves first were
able to take advice from people who would otherwise be threatening to them.
在我们自己的研究中，我们参照了克劳德斯蒂尔在自我肯定方面的研究，即从优势的角度思考你自己的价值关系网，雷恩汤普森、崔洪熙和我发现，那些首先肯定自己的人能够接受来自他人的建议，而不是把他们当成威胁。
Here's the last exercise. I want you to look in your email in-box. And I want
you to look at the last time you ask somebody for a favor and I want you to
look at the language that you used. Did you say things like, you're a great
resource or I owe you one? I'm obligated to you. All of this language
represents a metaphor. It's a metaphor of economics, of a balance sheet, of
accounting, of transactions. And when we think about human relations in a
transaction way, it is fundamentally uncomfortable to us as human beings. We
must think about human relations and reaching out to people in more humane
ways.这是最后一个小练习。我想让你看看自己的邮箱，看看你最后一次请求别人帮忙的时候，看一下你的措辞。你是不是提到，你真是太重要了，或者我欠你一个人情？我对你感激不尽。所有这些话都代表了一种寓意。这是一种经济学的说法，像会计学里的收支平衡表，是一种交易。当我们以交易的角度思考人类关系时，作为人类的我们会感到不舒服。我们必须以一种更人性的方式，去思考人类关系和他人交往。
And here's an idea as to how to do so. Look at words like ”please,”” thank
you.”” You're welcome.” In other languages, look at the literal translation of
these words. Each of these words is a word that helps us impose upon other
people in our social networks. And so, the word,” thank you.” You look at it
in Spanish, Italian, French,“gracias,”” grazie,”” merci,” in French. Each of
them are “grace” and “mercy.” They are godly words. There's nothing economic
or transactional about those words. The word “you're welcome” is interesting.
The great persuasion theorist Robert Cialdini says we got to get our favors
back, so we need to emphasize the transaction a little bit more. He says,
let's not say “you're welcome.” Instead say,” I know you do the same for me.”
But sometimes it may be helpful to not think in transactional ways to
eliminate the transaction, to make it a little bit more invisible.
给大家提供一个解决方法，那么观察其他语言像“请”“谢谢”“不客气”等等词汇。这些词是如何表达的。这些词都能帮助我们在社交网络中让别人接受我们。所以谢谢这个词。用在西班牙语，意大利语，法语中分别是Grass
Gracie，Mercy，Mercy，用法语，他们都是神圣的单词。这些词语没有经济交易的含义。不客气这个词很有趣。伟大的说服理论家罗伯特科拉迪尼说，我们需要别人能对我们的帮助以回报，因此我们会稍微带上一点交易色彩。他表示我们不要说
不客气，改成说，我知道你也会这样对我的。但有时，不以交易的角度思考，把交易的意味冲淡一些，会更有帮助。
And in fact if you look in Chinese, the word “bu ke qi” in Chinese, “you're
welcome,” means don't be formal. We're family. We don't need to go through
those formalities. and “Kembali” in Indonesian is “Come back to me.” When you
say “you're welcome” next time, think about how you can maybe sometimes
eliminate the transaction and instead strengthen that social tie. Maybe” it's
great to collaborate,” or “that's what friends are for.” 事实上，如果参考中文，“You’re
welcome”意思是“不客气”。意思是我们是自家人，用不着客套。在印度尼西亚语中 不客气kembali意思是再来找我。当你下次说You’re
welcome的时候，想想你如何消除这种交易的感觉，从而设法加强这种社交联系，也许换成与你合作愉快，这是朋友应该做的会更好。
I want you to think about how you think about this ticket that you have to
travel your social universe. Here's one metaphor. It's a common metaphor. Life
is a journey, It's a train, And you're on this train, your passenger on the
train, and there's certain people with you.
我想让大家可以思考一下你拥有的，打开人际网络大门的钥匙。这里有一个比喻。这是一个常见的比喻，说的生命是一段旅行，它是一次火车之旅，如果你是列车上的乘客，和一些人一起旅行。
Certain people get on this train and some stay with you, some leave that
different stops, new ones may enter. I love this metaphor, it's a beautiful
one, but I want you to consider a different metaphor. This one is passive
being a passenger on that train, and it's quite linear. You're off to some
particular destination. Why not? Instead think of yourself as an atom, bumping
up against other atoms, maybe transferring energy with them, bonding with them
a little, and maybe creating something new on your travels through the social
universe. Thank you so much！And I hope we bump into each other again!
有些人会乘上这趟列火车，有些人会陪着你，有些人会在不同车站离开，新的人可能会上车。我喜欢这个比喻，这是一个美好的比喻。但我希望你能思考另一个比喻，因为这个比喻太被动了，作为列车的乘客，你的轨迹太单调了，你会在某个特定的地点下车。为什么不把你自己想象成一个原子，在社交的宇宙中与其他原子碰撞，也许与它们传递能量，与它们建立亲密联系，甚至创造出新的东西。非常感谢！我希望我们能碰到彼此！
